HIV tests are more positive than that guy
True but thats because hes a fetus.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
