i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize