I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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