Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
