i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
