Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You're like the curious george of whores
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
