My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
