Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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