How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
