I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
