sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
