also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
