you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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