I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I DEMAND FORESKIN
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
