oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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