Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
