The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
