I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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