i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
