Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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