WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
