...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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