do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
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