Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
