I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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