I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I AM VODKA MAN
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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