Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
