One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
