Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
