I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
