Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
