I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
