Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
