so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
