I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
