yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
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