What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
