...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
