How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
