i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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