We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
