im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I supernannyed him into submission
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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