my phone needs a breathalizer
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
