I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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