i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
