I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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