the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
