Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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