I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
