Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
