Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
