i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
