when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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