Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
