I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
