every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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